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22 October 2012 @ 10:34 pm
Your lips taste like heaven so why should I stop?  
This entry is going to be a little personal - a subject I never liked to talk about. A subject that always made me self-conscious, embarrassed, depressed, and disappointed in myself. But I am really trying to make a change in my life and it's time to face my demons.

During high school, I wasn't the most active person, and I definitely wasn't a healthy eater. I wasn't one that sometime would define as "fit." I never stepped foot into a gym. However, I was active enough to maintain a healthy weight. I figure skated or coached figure skating on occasion, I participated in musicals like it was going out of style (which involves a lot of moving around and dancing), sometimes doing up to three at a time. As silly as it sounds, my part-time job to get me through high school kept me on my feet for hours at a time and consistently in motion. I enjoyed walking. These little things I did kept me as a size 4 through my senior year.

After high school, everything changed. What, do you ask? Everything. No more skating. No more theatre. My high school job only existed on breaks. Walking was at a bare minimum. Spent a majority of my college days sitting in class, then going back to the dorm and doing homework/watching TV, all the while sitting on my ass. My anxiety was increasingly bad and ruled my world - especially my freshmen and sophomore year. Over four years, I think I could count the number of times I used the gym at Merrimack on two hands. I had very poor sleeping habits - a night's sleep could've been anywhere between 3-12 hours. Eating habits were even worse - I would skip breakfast every day. I would skip lunch most days. In fact, on most days, the only time I would eat would be at dinnertime (and probably not until after 8:00PM). One huge, extremely high carb, high sodium meal that I would consume until I felt sick and fell into a food coma. Then there was the added consumption of alcohol that comes with the college territory. Needless to say, it is no wonder why I put on somewhere around 20-25 pounds during my four years of college.

After college, I can't say that things got much, if at all, better. I still skipped breakfast and lunch almost every day, and dinners were still of the very large, unhealthy variety. Although my sleeping habits have improved since college, they still are not good enough. I now work in an industry that involves sitting for 8+ hours a day, not including the almost 1.5-2 hour daily commute. On top of that is school/studying, so add hours of sitting on for that as well. I continued to put on more and more weight even after college.

I cannot begin to express how angry I am with myself for letting myself get to this point. How did I get here, from being a size 4 in high school? And to think then, I thought I was fat! I look back and I would kill to get back to that weight/size again. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and just want to break down. I would see people who I envy for being so skinny. I would envy a person even more when I see how much of a health/gym fanatic they are. The envy was even stronger when I would see a person who pushed themselves to lose the weight and keep it off.

Then I thought - why can't that be me? What is keeping that from being me? How is it that I can look at myself with such self-disgust on a regular basis but can't get myself motivated enough to change? Is having the best tasting meal worth the constant weight gain and possible health issues that comes with it? Is the "too tired to exercise after work" mentality worth the disappointment I feel when I see my friends running a 5K or consistently hitting the gym?

It's time for a change. Not a temporary change, a lifestyle change. My wedding is now less than a year away, so what better time to start than now? But I am not just doing this for my wedding. I want to feel better about myself altogether. That is why Benny and I have started this diet called The 17 Day Diet. It is actually a diet that his parents are both on and they have dropped 30-35 pounds in 4-5 months with minimal exercise. We started it a week ago and so far have each dropped 5 pounds. Nothing too noticeable, but it's a start, and not bad for 7 days. It helps when the person you live with is in the same boat and willing to diet with you. We are both going to try to motivate each other to stick with it through the ups and downs so that it actually becomes a lifestyle change. I am very happy to have my fiance's support on this.

If I tried to change all of my bad habits at once, I know I would get overwhelmed and quit. That is why I am taking it step by step. The first step is to stick with the diet plan. This should help break the bad habits of eating too large a portion, from skipping breakfast and lunch, and always eating unhealthy dinners. It's really a big change from how I have lived the past seven years. The next step will be to exercise more. My goal is to lose 25+ pounds before my wedding. More would be welcomed with open arms. 

Wish me luck. I am going to need it. 

Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: "Dance Again" - Jennifer Lopez